Pure pandemonium. At least that’s what it felt like, as if life was falling out around me. I couldn’t see a light nor a chance for redemption. I was angry and completely over it. All the work and effort I put into the leadership position I held, the position that I was so proud of, vanished.
Everything was supposed to be perfect, but havoc came closing in, and I couldn’t see straight. Everything was too unfair, and too confusing. I didn’t want to accept it, but I knew it was true. My pride failed me.
Chaos disclosed the naked truth, the truth that I wasn’t perfect.
Chaos taught me about myself, about my fears, regrets, hopes, and passions. And when it happened, everything changed in an instant. That is what is so beautiful and fragile about life. After hard work and endless hours, in just one second, everything can all fall.
And what then?
While order and structure are important, chaos showed something to me, like maybe I’m not as faultless as i thought. It revealed that I was bossy, loud, and way too high on my own horse. I leaned too far on my own pride and ability, and it gave way. I never really knew how incredibly crazy life was until nothing went right and I was forced to cope.
And how did I cope?
In anger, frustration, depression, and brutality towards those around me.
However, it’s how we deal with the chaos that shapes us. I can either give up, with good reason, and refuse to try again. After all, I’ve tried so many times, and I might just failed from leading on my own understanding…again.
Or…I can get up.
I can lead, leaving my own interests behind. I can stand and fight. I can find another reason to keep going, to keep combating against the odds.
I can find the beauty in the chaos. So I pick myself up and keep going, this time leaning on God.