baby steps

There was so much hype about it, it was hard to not be excited. Everyone was telling me what a great time I was going to have and how much fun it would be and all the great sights and how beautiful it was and it all seemed just too good to be true.

I was supposed to visit a university in Seattle on Tuesday, leaving Monday, but plans fell through and the trip had to be cancelled. The weird thing is, even though my hyped up dreams were crushed (like four times ’cause the stupid airline kept delaying it again and again; I’m not bitter, but don’t ever use Frontier Airlines) the second I found out that we couldn’t go, yes, I was disappointed, but I felt oddly at peace.

Let me back up a bit. Our flight was scheduled to leave at 6:30 in the morning. Obviously, no one wants to be up at 4 to make it to the airport by 5:30, but we made it. We are sitting in the gate just after security, all ready to go. I’d just read Jill’s super sweet good-bye text again for good luck, I’ve got a chocolate chip muffin, my mom’s got some gros–I mean, healthy granola bar, I’m downloading Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs last minute for the trip, and I’m really, really excited.

And then, we hear this: The flight is delayed two and a half hours. Two and a half freaking hours!

The simultaneous “UGH!” from everyone in the gate was a nice touch.

Now, normally, this probably wouldn’t have been THAT big of a deal, but it messed up our connecting flight in Denver so we had to get back in this really long line of very, very angry travelers to fix it. We get in line and these two guys in front of us start making small talk with my mom because, obvi, my mom’s super hot. She finds out the number to switch our connecting flight from flirty-mc-one and flirty-mc-two, and we call it to find another connecting flight. I had spotted a Starbucks on our way to the longest line ever full of slightly peeved people so I decided to make a pit stop while my mom waits in line/on the phone. After about an hour or two, we fix our flight issue, drink our Starbucks, even go get a bite to eat with a meal voucher (as if that makes up for everything), and be merry. Right?

Wrong! (Sorry for the amount of cheese stuffed into this post, it’s late and it’s been awhile :))

We get back to the gate, go through security AGAIN and sit down, waiting for the now delayed flight. I was bored so I started to snap pictures of all the people who are sleep deprived and snoring (check my twitter for those) until we hear the dreaded intercom being turned on.

Everyone looks up to hear: the flight has been canceled again, until noon.

Again, the simultaneous “UGH” from the crowd is uncanny, almost rehearsed. As if WE HAVE BEEN HERE BEFORE!

My mom starts laughing that laugh she does when she’s just so fed up with how ridiculous the situation is and begins to call the service line again to give them a piece of her mind. During this phone call, you’ll never guess!, the flight is delayed three more hours. After a few minutes of a firm-talking-to on the phone, my mom turns to me and says we have to cancel the trip. We missed all the connecting flights out of Denver to Seattle and it could take a few days before we could get another. We didn’t have the money to wait a few days in Denver and she was really upset. I, on the other hand, felt nothing. For some odd reason, I felt absolutely nothing.

I just sit there and watch everyone else get so angry that I start laughing. One of the ladies that was asleep in front of me jerks awake and starts calling everyone she knows, talking really loudly on her Bluetooth about how “disappointed” she is and how she is just “so, so, so angry, I don’t even know what to do with myself”. I ended up having to cover my mouth and duck my head, I was laughing at her so hard. It just all seemed so ludicrous to me, how angry everyone was. Yeah, I was starting to understand the frustration and it was getting contagious too, but before it got to far, something else came from my mouth.

A prayer.

Now, I’m going to be completely honest, I do not PRAY when I’m upset. At least not at first, it takes me a few hours. And I know that’s probably wrong, but I am human and I get angry and sometimes, that anger is the only thing on my mind. It’s just a part of life. I’ve been trying to work on giving my problems directly to God, without any fuss, but I’m just not there yet. It’s hard to actually live out Philippians 4:6-7. I’ve been trying to work on it and I guess it’s paying off because the second I started praying, I was shocked at myself.

It was so weird, I didn’t know what I was doing so I stopped for a second and then kept going, realizing that this was a good thing. Then I laughed at myself, because as I have expressed in the past, I’m hilarious (at least to myself). It just took me by surprise how I immediately asked for peace and guidance and for God’s hand to be at work, right there in the middle of that mess of an airline (again, don’t use Frontier Airlines, they got problems over there). I asked for peace without realizing it and it came.

And I’ll admit this too, later, I was upset. Even though I had peace for a little bit, I tend to let others influence my emotions. So when I see the people around me in a grumpy mood, I think, YEAH, GRUMPY MOOD! GRR! I was so upset, I almost cried and had to go to sleep before I broke (that’s how I cope, I sleep). Then I woke up from my pity nap and had to thank God. The fact that I was able to look at a helpless situation and accept it’s helplessness by giving it to God, even for a moment, amazes me, and I can only thank God for that. It was a baby step toward where I want to be with God. It’s not much but it’s showing me progress and how far I’ve come. And most importantly, it showed me that there is no way I can do it on my own. A relationship requires both sides to be totally invested. I can’t expect God to do all the work, and there’s no way I could ever even think of doing all the work. Luckily, God’s already at His level, I just need to kick it in gear, and catch up.

My mom said something Wednesday that stuck with me. It was at such a random time too, we were on our way to eat at Grandstand Burgers after going to the pool and she looked at me and said, “I’m excited for you to go to Seattle. Sometimes, I’m up and down about it because things don’t always go the way they are supposed to but then something else happens that fixes it and I just know, it’s all going to be okay.”

I realized, yes, things don’t always go my way, and yes this cliché, but God has a plan for my life. I just need to rely on Him completely. No more careless attempts at surrender, but full on giving it all to Him, even if I have to do it through baby steps.

Philippians 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (ESV)

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