Come back, my love.

“Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go,” you scream, you shout at me. Your mouth wide, your cheeks red. You believe yourself, but you don’t know the weight of your promise. You don’t know the immense joy it brings me, your maker, and yet, you also don’t understand that what I ask of you is more than you can give on your own. But you try to do it alone. And then, when you can’t do it on your own, you doubt me. You blame me. You wonder about petty things as you put on a brave face once a week, when under the stress of that big man’s stare. And boy, does he stare. I’m not sure why he stares, I never told him to. And I’m not sure why it bothers you so much, either, but it does. He stares as he begs for money and he stares as you stay in your seat, even though he’s begged you to come forward till he’s red in the face. So underneath scrutiny, you fold. You fold like the weakling you are and for a moment you feel guilty. And when you feel guilty, you cry and when you cry, you beg for forgiveness. And when you ask me to forgive you, I do. How could I not, when my love is crying before me, pleading for another chance. I wrap your soul in my arms and I tell you I love you and I ask you to follow me. Despite the lies and fancy dress and other people’s words instead of my love that brought you to the altar, I ask you to follow me. I am not confined by those lies, by your freshly pressed suit, by even the big man’s stares and red faced pleading. And you tell me you’ll follow. You swear to me. You love me and swear to never leave again.

And I believe you, eager for the new change and our life together and the love I will show you in the days to come. I believe you as you lay your head down to sleep that night, your lips still dripping with awe and love and promise of the morning. You sleep with a smile and dream of me.

But then sunrise comes and you notice your life is fine the way it is. You think of how uncomfortable it will become if you keep your promise. You get stuck in your own head, pretending you don’t hear my still, small voice, don’t feel the tightening I send through your chest and you decide to break our promise. You tell yourself it’s safer this way, because “foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests; but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.” The doubt cripples you instead of ignites you to rid yourself of it. You are afraid I can’t take care of you, though I have done nothing but sustain you since your conception. I brought you this far, I love you, and yet, you ignore me as I desperately knock on your door, asking “Don’t you remember our promise? We are going on a journey, come follow me! You said you would, please come!” But you pretend you aren’t home and shove headphones in your ears, music so loud you can’t hear yourself think, let alone my asking of you. And I know you’ve lied to me again and it breaks my heart. I can’t understand what else could have gripped your heart, why you would walk away. You’ve felt my power and love, and walked away anyway.

Come back, my love. It’s not too late, I’m still here. I still love you.

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4 thoughts on “Come back, my love.

  1. Your thoughts remind me of Luke 15. The Bible shows us how important we are, and how our Father continually seeks us. This chapter tells us about he one lost sheep, (sheep are not known for discernment), the one piece of silver (how He must value us), and the one son that left home with his inheritance and lost it all. The Father always waiting for us and is ready to say, Welcome home! Yes, thanks for reminding us, Kayley, that it is never too late for us to return to Him, for He loves us so!

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  2. As usual. another great piece of writing, Kayley! For me though, I have a disconnect with your words “what I ask of you.” I have never been asked, or if I did, I am in strong denial. Like I told you before, I never went to church as a child. My wife did, but she chooses to “do it alone” most of the time despite her mother’s strong Catholic influence. However, I do go to church with Laura and the boys on occasion, but I am usually left with more questions than answers after witnessing some of the practices at their church. If spreading God’s message is the path you have chosen in life, maybe your best opportunity would be trying to bridge the gap for others like me. My suggestions would be to share your experiences, e.g., when you were asked, and why you have chosen to stick with your religion despite your upbringing. Just a thought!

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    1. Thank you for reading, Carl! I think you are asking about a personal relationship with God and what that requires of us (correct me if I’m wrong!)? Though Jesus accepts us as we are, he loves us too much to leave us the same. We come to him humbly, and he offers us salvation. In order to take that salvation, though, we have to sort of agree to the terms and conditions, if you will. Jesus wasn’t the most well liked guy of his day, that is evident in the Gospels, and this is because, in addition to fulfilling the Law, he also made it harder. He went to the “heart” of the law and explained that God desires our love, and in that love, we become more and more like him, like the people he intended us to be before sin. This is a hard truth, becoming like God, because we are sinful and broken. But through his love and grace, we go through intense cleansing and transformation to be who he has called us to be. Paul calls it “putting on Christ” daily. This transformation that comes with salvation is a process that will not end until Jesus comes back for us. We are constantly healing and growing, and the best part is, Jesus is with us throughout this entire process. This is the personal relationship part. We will always have questions for our never-ending God who has new mercies for us everyday, but, for me at least, that is the exciting part. The fact that I can always learn something new about God and his love and how I am supposed to live that out! I love learning and reading and writing and the God I serve is one that I will never completely figure out! It’s not that he is an unsolvable puzzle (because God desires us to know him), more like an exciting, never ending adventure! I am forever in awe of him and that is because I have a personal relationship with him. If I have a question, I can seek him out and learn more about him through his word and others with the same questions. But, we are all still human, even those behind the pulpit. We cannot completely rely on others when we want a glimpse of God, we have to turn to him directly. God desires our heart, all of us, for us to be completely dependent on him. Jesus says in Matthew 18:1-4, that if we do not become as little children, we cannot enter the kingdom of heaven. God wants us to have faith as a child, total and complete reliance on him. I hope this answers your question and I will definitely write more about my own personal experiences with church, the bible, and God himself in my walk with him. This post was how I imagined God’s heart breaking when his people promise to rely on him completely, yet do not. This is also something I am personally working on, giving my whole life to God, surrendering wholly to his will. It is a hard and painful process, especially for someone like me who likes to be in control. But as I am throwing myself deeper and deeper into God’s word, I am finding it easier to give myself up to him, and in that I find freedom from evil. I want my writing to cause others to become inspired as I am to learn more about God, and I am forever thankful for your questions! Praying for you and your family, Carl! God bless!

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